Saying “See You Later” to Kitsune

This is a post I never wanted to have to write.  You’ll all have to bear with me because this will be a hard one.  Every word of this post will be typed through tears.  I’ve been trying to write this for weeks now and keep ending up having to stop working on it.  I don’t want to do this.  I don’t know how to do this.  But I have to try.  I, ultimately, want to continue blogging here and it just doesn’t feel right to go back to posting regular articles without posting this one first.

On the afternoon of January 31st, 2024, we had to say a very tear-filled “see you later” to our beloved Kitsune.

My sweet, silly Kitsune – my forever puppy, the snuggle king, my best buddy, and the original muse behind this blog.  Nothing I could write here will ever come close to doing Kitsune, and the amazing life my partner and I shared with him, any justice.  Kit was an amazing friend, who brought so much light and happiness into my life.

I just don’t have it in me to go over, in depth, what happened.  But I know a lot of you will want to know.  Maybe I’ll be able to write more about what happened another time but for now I’ll just keep it simple.  Kit went from his normal, happy, sassy, demanding self to not feeling well in the matter of a couple of hours.  After a harrowing couple of days in the emergency vet, on medications that thankfully kept him comfortable, we learned, too late, that Kit had kidney cancer.  One of the tumors had ruptured and he was bleeding internally.  Everything went downhill from there.  Both of his kidneys were failing.  His blood stopped clotting normally.  We ran out of treatment options.  Except for one.  The one that meant that my Kitsune would be able to pass peacefully in my arms, instead of meeting a much worse fate.  The one that my brain knows was the right choice, but my heart aches so much over.

Kitsune was the first dog that my partner and I ever raised on our own.  For 15 years there was barely a single day that I didn’t spend with Kit.  The silence after his loss is so loud.  He’s been physically gone from our lives for a month now, but I still get up to check on him, without thinking, while I’m working.  I still wake up at night thinking I can feel him snuggled up against my legs, the spot he kept warm every night for over a decade.  His toys and dog beds still litter the floor of our house.  His bowl is still sitting in the kitchen, his leash and harness hanging by the door.  I want my dog back.  I want to rub his belly and scratch behind his giant ears, his favorites.  To see his big, goofy smile and laugh about the way he would always raise his head up as high as he could outside, so he could better feel the wind.  To fall asleep on the couch with him snuggled up next to me, while my partner plays video games.  Life will never be the same without Kitsune.

Kit came into my life in a time when I really needed a friend.  I was young and dumb and riddled with anxiety, newly living in a city I didn’t like almost 200 miles away from the life I had known.  It was my partner, Kitsune, and I against the world!  My partner worked really long hours in NYC which meant I would have spent most of my time alone, except I had Kitsune.  Because of him we spent our days adventuring, visiting parks, and beaches, and events around the city, making lots of friends along the way.  So many of the amazing people I still call friends today I met because of Kitsune.  I started this blog because of Kitsune!

And now here I am, I guess having to learn to navigate life without Kit.  My heart is broken, but at the same time so, so full of love.  I feel so blessed to have been able to walk my path for 15 years with such a special friend by my side.  Kit was an amazing teacher and I will carry the life lessons he taught me, as well as a countless collection of happy memories, with me for the rest of my life.  Although he’s physically gone now, Kit will forever be a beloved member of our pack.  His memory will reside within my heart for as long as it’s still beating.  I’ll do my best to honor Kit’s memory as best I can, because he more than deserves it.  Part of that will mean that yes, I will still be blogging here, although it’s been hard to feel like I have the motivation to lately.  I think Kit would want me to continue trying to help other dogs, to continue sharing the amazing relationship that is the human-canine bond, even when it causes heartbreak.

Thank you to everyone who has followed Kitsune’s journey.  For over 13 of his 15 years I’ve shared Kit’s life with all of you.  I’m sure many of you love him too, and will be upset by this news.  I’m sorry.  The worst part of loving dogs, by far, is this.

Thank you, Kit, for everything.  You’re the best dog ever.  I’m so, so proud of you.  I love you.  This is not goodbye, never goodbye.  I’ll see you later…